This week has been filled with wavering emotions by the hour. I’m fortunate to have running partners who are helping me process and prepare for this coming weekend. Likewise, my life partner is riding this out with me arm in arm as are my wonderful co-workers.
I’ve had moments of anger thinking about how on Father’s Day bio dad’s Facebook profile was found to have a photo of himself with his new girlfriend’s child. Just two days after his parental rights were willingly taken away.
This has been followed by moments of happiness with the anticipated completion of a step that has been a moving target for the past 13 months.
Then there have been moments of sadness. Moments of wanting to kick and scream. Moments like tonight while I was preparing dinner as the rest of my family was in transit when I realized I have no idea what kind of pain this weekend is going to bring my children. And I have no way to circumvent the closing visit.
I felt lost. Then I felt like a horrible mom. I mean… who allows their child to endure such deep, heart-felt pain at such a young age? Then… a memory of words I read a decade ago surface…
O Lord, cure these children of the fatal moral disease with which s/he was born. Heal her/him through the forgiving and cleansing power of Your blood.
And then, as beloved children through whom the life of the Trinity will be flowing, guide her/him through valleys where s/he will learn to abandon every dream but the dream of knowing You. Grant her/him dark nights when s/he feels desperately empty and alone, when s/he longs to experience a fullness and a joy s/he cannot provide for her/himself. In those moments, reveal to her/him her/his desire for You and Yours for her/him. May s/he abandon her/his tortured soul to Your seemingly unresponsive care.
But, please Lord, no more shattered dreams than are absolutely necessary. I do so want her/his life to be happy and full. Nevertheless, not my will for second things, but Your will for first things be done.
[taken and modified from Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb]
5 thoughts on “I surrender.”
Thinking of you! Your family is in my prayers. Everything worth anything is usually difficult or painful. Your a wonderful person and no doubt a wonderful mom. A mom who will ensure they have a great life filled with love. They’ll remember that forever. Even if one day they decide to seek out their bio parents and relive difficult memories. You’ll always be their real parents. The parents that loved and wanted them. You know as well as I do that in this time all too often people just want someone to care. They’ll always have that. That will be enough.
I found my head nodding and water filling my eyes as the truth of your words was read in my heart. Thanks for writing this. xo
Hi Marcy. I’ve been following your blog and just wanted you to know I’ve been thinking a lot about you and your family lately. I could go on but I’ll keep it short. I can’t wait to meet the kids when you’re ready for that. I’ll be praying for all of you as you go through the rest of this. I already know you have a ton of people cheering for you! I hope you guys all had a very happy Father’s Day.
Thanks, Kate! Know that each voice added reminds us we are not alone. Father’s Day was very special and included big brother saying… “I’m an artist, just like Daddy.” (heart… melted…)
My church and I are praying for you. You never make impulsive decisions about things like this so you know God’s hand is in this.