lies we filter
Since my husband and I are not present for family visits sometimes finding out details of what big brother and little sister experience and are told is a mystery until they talk about it.
Tonight’s bedtime routine…
Big brother: (Points to the picture by his bed of his classmates and tells me the name of each friend. Then he points to a picture of our family – himself, little sister, my husband and me. While pointing to my face…)
Big brother: That’s you… [my bio mom] says you’re not my mom.
Me: You’re so special you have two moms and two dads. What do you say?
Big brother: [Bio mom] says she is my only mom.
Me: Ms. Soandso (play therapist) says I’m mommy Marcy and she’s mommy [bio mom first name]. Ms. Othersoandso (social worker) says I’m you’re foster mom.
Big brother: (Points to another photo of our family and says…) Little sister, Daddy, Mommy.
Thoughts going through my head while reading big brother a bedtime story…
Did I do the right thing? I used names consistent with what the kiddos are taught during play therapy.
Does [bio mom] understand how confusing this to the kiddos who go to school and are surrounded by other kiddos who squeal “Mom!” and “Dad!” when they are picked up from school?
—
Earlier today… big brother wanted to watch a DVD he received as a Christmas gift from my sister-in-law and family. He has been asking a lot about the story of Jesus and how he died. This movie used claymation to answer a lot of his questions. (Thanks for the gift, sister-in-law and family!)
The movie concludes after Jesus dies, rises from the dead, and is on earth for a few more days.
Big brother: Mom, when you die, will you be buried in a tomb?
Me: No, that was a long time ago. Today people are usually put into caskets and buried underground. But I’d rather be made into a corral reef and be in the water with fish.
Big brother: What about dad?
My husband: I want to be made into dust and sprinkled on my family’s farm.
Big brother: Mom. I want to be a reef like you.
Me: Sounds good.
Big brother: I don’t want to die anytime soon.
Me: Me neither. But we don’t have to worry because we all die when it’s our time.
Big brother: When is it our time?
Me: Some people live a long time, others are younger. It just depends when we are done living.
Big brother: How come [bio grandpa] died?
Me: It was his time.
Big brother: But he was sick and the doctor wasn’t open.
Me: [Big brother], remember, we talked about this? That isn’t true. The hospital is always open.
Big brother: But not on Christmas and holidays.
Me: Yes, on Christmas, and all holidays people work at the hospital. Remember, we have a lot of friends that are doctors and nurses and they or someone they work with works on holidays so the hospital is always open and able to help people.
What I want to say…
[Bio grandpa] did bad drugs and died of an overdose. But I can’t say this right now because the bio family told the kiddos he died because a doctor wasn’t open.
Filtering these kinds of conversations is in part why we chose not to celebrate Santa.
Published 12/27/2014